So this is a topic that I have wanted to write about but always stopped myself but with some current personal things that are happening, I felt the need to write about this. One of my big goals for this blog was to help people and I hope that me writing about my own experience talking about my anxiety helps at least one person. I was going back and fourth with what the title of this post should be. The two titles that I thought about were "Admitting There Is A Problem" and "I Have Anxiety (Currently Undiagnosed)", and by the title of this post you can tell which one I chose to use. I didn't go with the other title because anxiety is not a problem. Yes, it affects your daily life but it doesn't make you any difference of a person. You may just get scared, nervous, really anxious and more. It doesn't change who you are or make you a bad person. You shouldn't be ashamed that you have anxiety.
I cannot remember a time when I didn't have anxiety. Being in school surrounded with other kids and adults made me really nervous and on top of that I was diagnosed with Selective Mutism when I was younger, which you can click here to read about my experience with that. I feel like I have overcame that a lot but I do still have anxiety. Within the past month, my mom gave me some papers from when I was younger. One of those papers were from a Psychiatric Consultation that was done on me when I was ten years old. One of the reasons for referral besides my Selective Mutism was "High anxiety". So if I do my math correctly, I have had anxiety for almost 17 years (Since March 2001).
I remember being really nervous to go up in front of class to do presentations in middle and high school, but in some classes, the teacher was very encouraging and supportive and so were my classmates. In my senior year, I remember taking science quizzes and tests in the teacher consultant's office because I would see my classmates finishing really quickly and it made me go faster because I didn't want to be the last one done. When I would rush on quizzes and tests, I would more than likely not do that well. My accounting teacher in my senior year made me retake a test because I think she might have noticed that I was rushing and didn't want to be the last one done. Instead of failing like the first attempt at the test, when she made me retake it (also do the review all over again), if I remember correcting I got a C on the retake. Teachers like her is what we need more of; encouraging, believing in you and supportive.
If you have anxiety you may not experience it the same way that others who also have anxiety. My anxiety makes me feel really nervous to take the bus because of many unfamiliar people and the fear of getting off at the wrong stop and then getting lost in a location where I'm unfamiliar with and the fear of something happening to me because I am tiny and weak. I just turned 27 and I don't have my license yet because I'm afraid that I'm going to get into a crash or turn into the wrong lane resulting in causing a crash. I am unemployed because I get really nervous before interviews and when I go into the interview even though they say that they will get back to me, they never do or I get the call that they went with someone else. And I won't lie, being in bad relationships hasn't helped my anxiety at all but I'm really happy to say that my boyfriend is one of my biggest supporters and I know his family is as well. And I truly truly appreciate that with all of my heart.
At the beginning of this month (with the suggestion of my boyfriend), I applied for Medicaid to be able to get help with going to therapy and getting on medication to help my anxiety at least calm down a little bit. I don't like the idea of taking medication everyday but I feel like I need to to make myself better. I am in the process of getting all of that figured out and sending them paperwork. If I am not accepted, I will do research to see if there is any other resources that can help me.
I also wanted to write this post because of some family members and friends who has asked me in the past, "Why don't you have your license?" or "Why don't you have a job?" I just felt like it was easier to type this whole thing out rather than explaining to them all individually and I'm a little tired of them repeatedly asking me. I also wanted to write about my experience with anxiety to help at least one person out there who also is going through anxiety or feel like they have anxiety but haven't been diagnosed.