I Have Anxiety ( Currently Undiagnosed)

(https://universityhealthnews.com/daily/stress-anxiety/consider-our-anxiety-definition-and-stress-definition-which-are-you-experiencing/)

Hey guys,

So this is a topic that I have wanted to write about but always stopped myself but with some current personal things that are happening, I felt the need to write about this. One of my big goals for this blog was to help people and I hope that me writing about my own experience talking about my anxiety helps at least one person. I was going back and fourth with what the title of this post should be. The two titles that I thought about were "Admitting There Is A Problem" and "I Have Anxiety (Currently Undiagnosed)", and by the title of this post you can tell which one I chose to use. I didn't go with the other title because anxiety is not a problem. Yes, it affects your daily life but it doesn't make you any difference of a person. You may just get scared, nervous, really anxious and more. It doesn't change who you are or make you a bad person. You shouldn't be ashamed that you have anxiety.

I cannot remember a time when I didn't have anxiety.  Being in school surrounded with other kids and adults made me really nervous and on top of that I was diagnosed with Selective Mutism when I was younger, which you can click here to read about my experience with that. I feel like I have overcame that a lot but I do still have anxiety. Within the past month, my mom gave me some papers from when I was younger. One of those papers were from a Psychiatric Consultation that was done on me when I was ten years old. One of the reasons for referral besides my Selective Mutism was "High anxiety". So if I do my math correctly, I have had anxiety for almost 17 years (Since March 2001).

I remember being really nervous to go up in front of class to do presentations in middle and high school, but in some classes, the teacher was very encouraging and supportive and so were my classmates. In my senior year, I remember taking science quizzes and tests in the teacher consultant's office because I would see my classmates finishing really quickly and it made me go faster because I didn't want to be the last one done. When I would rush on quizzes and tests, I would more than likely not do that well. My accounting teacher in my senior year made me retake a test because I think she might have noticed that I was rushing and didn't want to be the last one done. Instead of failing like the first attempt at the test, when she made me retake it (also do the review all over again), if I remember correcting I got a C on the retake. Teachers like her is what we need more of; encouraging, believing in you and supportive.

If you have anxiety you may not experience it the same way that others who also have anxiety. My anxiety makes me feel really nervous to take the bus because of many unfamiliar people and the fear of getting off at the wrong stop and then getting lost in a location where I'm unfamiliar with and the fear of something happening to me because I am tiny and weak. I just turned 27 and I don't have my license yet because I'm afraid that I'm going to get into a crash or turn into the wrong lane resulting in causing a crash. I am unemployed because I get really nervous before interviews and when I go into the interview even though they say that they will get back to me, they never do or I get the call that they went with someone else. And I won't lie, being in bad relationships hasn't helped my anxiety at all but I'm really happy to say that my boyfriend is one of my biggest supporters and I know his family is as well. And I truly truly appreciate that with all of my heart.

At the beginning of this month (with the suggestion of my boyfriend), I applied for Medicaid to be able to get help with going to therapy and getting on medication to help my anxiety at least calm down a little bit. I don't like the idea of taking medication everyday but I feel like I need to to make myself better. I am in the process of getting all of that figured out and sending them paperwork. If I am not accepted, I will do research to see if there is any other resources that can help me.

I also wanted to write this post because of some family members and friends who has asked me in the past, "Why don't you have your license?" or "Why don't you have a job?" I just felt like it was easier to type this whole thing out rather than explaining to them all individually and I'm a little tired of them repeatedly asking me. I also wanted to write about my experience with anxiety to help at least one person out there who also is going through anxiety or feel like they have anxiety but haven't been diagnosed.

<3 Amanda

Who Am I?

Hey guys,

In simple words, you can say that I am a young lady. But really, I am a young lady who has had her struggles in the past. In life, everyone has their struggles as life would be boring without them because they make us who we are.  Now my struggles might not sound too extreme to you, but they are unique to my life.  This winter, I will be turning 27 and I know that I’m still at a young age so I will have more struggles in the future.

When I was younger around the age of early elementary school, I was diagnosed with Selective Mutism, which in basic terms means that my lips were sealed at school and I would only talk at home or at school to people I was comfortable with. I was put in speech to help me try to be more talkative and open up more. My speech teacher was amazing. She even gave my parents her home phone number, so I could call her at home at nights. Even though it has been many years since that age, I can still remember that calling her at home and talking on the phone to her was much easier than talking in person. Thinking about that now, I’m not sure why that was, maybe because someone wasn’t looking right at me and making fun of how I was talking.  Beside my speech teacher, my general teachers were always so supportive and encouraging. The never forced me to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with. 

Throughout middle and high school, I was still a quiet person but I feel like I improved since elementary school. I still got that gut feeling in my stomach when I was called up to do a presentation, but I remembered getting up in front of the class and looking at whether teacher I had for that hour and just took a few deep breathes and thought to myself that even if I am a little quiet and maybe the whole class and the teacher can’t hear everything that I say, that I still got up in front of everyone and tried my best. There is one teacher that comes to my mind when I remember getting in front of the class. I had her for Social Studies in my sixth grade year. We had to do current events and present them to the class. If I recall correctly, I think I declined out of doing the first presentation but then I presented the next time we had a current event presentation.  I knew beforehand that I had to present because she had drawn sticks with our names on them, and had our names on the whiteboard. The day came when I had to present my current event. I got up in the front and just looked around and looked at her, and begun. Before I knew I was finished. When she passed out our current events back to us, I had a smiley face drawn on mine.  Just by looking at that showed me that she truly cared about me and was proud of me.

Going along the same lines of my Selective Mutism is bullying.  All throughout elementary, middle and high school I was bullied.  I’m pretty sure I was bullied because of how I looked and the way I talked.  Being bullied really sucked and was something that I struggled with.  I actually transferred school my senior year of high school due to being bullied. I didn’t tell the principal or anyone the real reason of why I wanted to be transferred to the other high school in my city.  You could say that I let the bullies win by transferring but to be honest I don’t care that they won in that sense because in my opinion, I won even more  I met a ton of new friends and the teachers were amazing (not saying that my teachers from my former high school wasn’t amazing as well).

I have had some personal family struggles as well that kind of affected my whole immediate family. The summer before my sophomore year of high school, my mom was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. That changed a lot to our family.  She wasn’t able to drive anymore due to her reflexes. She also walked slower, her penmanship wasn’t really legible anymore and she had to get glasses.  A few years back, she actually had Deep Brain Stimulation and had a pace maker put in her chest. Also, in 2015, she fell and broke 9 ribs resulting in her being in a rehabilitation center from early October to early December.   I know that it was only a few months but you still don’t know what could happen throughout that time.

When I was in my early twenties, my parents separated and got a divorce.  Even though I was in my early twenties, it still affected me a little.  No child at any age wants their parents to get a divorce.  But I knew that it was the right thing to do. My older brothers and I were actually surprised they stayed together as long as they did as we thought they would have been divorced years back.  Sometimes a marriage doesn’t work out and parents need to separate but their child(ren) should never blame themselves.

The final topic I wanted to chat about is friends. We all need friends in our lives. One thing that is important to remember is that friends change over time. Your childhood friends might not be your adult friends, and the same goes with your friends from high school or even college.  Everyone has their own path and journey and should be allowed to do something that they love and makes them happy.  There were many friends I had in the past and in recent years even that I’m no longer friends with and even though that makes me sad, I still hope the best for them.

If you’re ever walking around outside or in a mall, and perhaps you are a people watcher. Even though you are a people watcher, you don’t really know them deep down and personally. You might see them laughing and smiling with friends but they might be going through something serious.  A key thing to do each day is to make someone’s day different. You don’t even have to do much; a smile or a “Hi” goes a long way. 

<3 Amanda 

The Overcoming Of Selective Mutism

When I was younger;early elementary school years;I was diagnosed with Selective Mutism,which is a complex childhood anxiety disorder characterized by a child's inability to speak and communicate effectively in select social settings, such as school. These children are able to speak and communicate in settings where they are comfortable, secure, and relaxed (Shipon-Blum, E., n.d.). I remember in elementary school when I would only talk to my teacher and a few classmates because I was comfortable talking to them. I was less shy in middle school and high school. Now days, some people say that I do still have selective mutism a hundred percent but I think I have gotten way better.  I have had some amazing teachers who has been supporting, encouraging,patient and understanding. I still get times when I meet new people and I'm not that talkative but I also know more people who are like that as well.

Being shy has always been a struggle of mine and something that I have had to overcome but with great teachers,friends and family members, I have gotten way better at not being so shy since I was younger. What is one thing you overcame?








Reference:

Shipon-Blum, E. (n.d.). What is Selective Mutism. Retrieved May 13, 2016, from http://www.selectivemutismcenter.org/aboutus/whatisselectivemutism